When I first started in my field a mother came into my office with her four year old son. Her own mother had just died after a long illness, and she was struggling with how to get him to understand she had died. She looked at me and said, “I told him Grammy went to sleep and is not coming back and now he’s terrified of bedtime.” She meant well. We all do. However, when it comes to explaining death to children, the words we choose matter a lot.
As adults, we are often tempted to soften the blow with phrases like “passed away,” “gone to a better place,” or “went to sleep.” These expressions may feel gentle to us, but for young minds still learning how the world works, they can create confusion, fear, and misunderstanding. So today, I want to talk honestly and gently about what words to use when explaining death to kids and how to do it in a way that’s clear, kind, and developmentally appropriate.
Be Direct: Use the Words “Died” and “Dead” Children need clarity not metaphors.
Say: “Grandpa died. That means his body stopped working and he isn’t alive anymore.”
Avoid: “Grandpa passed,” “He went to sleep,” or “He’s in a better place.”
These phrases, while well-meaning, can lead to fear of sleeping, worry that someone else will “go away,” or a belief that death is temporary.
Children, especially young ones, think very literally. Telling the truth in simple, direct language helps them feel more secure not less.
Be Concrete: Describe What Death Means
When a child asks, “What does it mean to die?” try using straightforward language: “When someone dies, their body stops working. They don’t breathe, eat, talk, or move anymore. We won’t be able to see them again.”
For many children, this kind of explanation is enough. You don’t have to dive into spiritual or philosophical concepts unless they ask and when they do, it’s okay to say, “I don’t know for sure, but here’s what I believe…”
Avoid Euphemisms That Confuse or Frighten
It’s common for children to misinterpret vague or abstract language about death. For example:
“He went home” may make them wonder when he’s coming back.
“She went to sleep” might create anxiety around nap time or bedtime.
“God took him” could lead to fear that a higher power will take someone else they love.
If you’re wondering how to talk about death with children, remember this: honesty doesn’t have to be harsh. It just needs to be clear, gentle, and age-appropriate.
Answer Questions Honestly and Patiently
Children process grief in pieces. You might hear the same question“But where did she go?” over and over again. That’s normal. They’re not trying to challenge your answer; they’re trying to make sense of something big and unfamiliar. Answer in short, calm, truthful responses. Go at the child’s pace. And if the conversation feels too heavy in one moment, it’s okay to revisit it later.
Validate Emotions and Offer Reassurance
Grief is not just sadness. It can show up as anger, fear, clinginess, hyperactivity, or silence. Let your child know: “It’s okay to feel sad.” “It’s okay to be mad or confused.” “All your feelings are okay, and I’m here with you.”
And always reassure them: “You are safe. You are loved. I’m here to take care of you.”
Many kids also ask, “Will you die? Will I die?” Don’t avoid the question. Instead, give a truthful but comforting answer like: “Most people live a long time, and I plan to be here for a long time to take care of you. However, at some point we all die"
Use Books to Support the Conversation
Books are a gentle and effective tool to help children understand death, loss, and grief. They offer:
Simple, age-appropriate language
Relatable characters and situations
Concrete explanations of what happens when someone dies
Reassurance that love doesn’t end even when life does
My book, The Terrible, Super Sad Day, was written for this exact reason—to give children and their caregivers a way to open up the hard conversations and find healing together. Books also allow children to explore their feelings through play, story, and repetition, which are some of the most powerful ways they learn.
Recognize the Role of Play and Repetition
Young children often act out their grief in pretend play. You might see stuffed animals “getting sick” or toy trains “dying.” This is normal. It’s how they process big emotions and understand the world around them.
Some children will ask the same questions repeatedly. Others may not talk about the death at all, but instead show changes in sleep, appetite, or behavior. Be patient. Respond with love. And remember that grief doesn’t follow a timeline.
Final Thoughts
When children ask about death, what they really want to know is: “Am I safe?” “Will you still take care of me?” “Is it okay for me to feel this way?” You don’t need to have all the perfect words. You just need to be present, honest, and kind. Speak simply. Answer slowly. And lean on resources like books, routines, and play to support their healing. Because explaining death to a child isn’t about getting every word right. It’s about showing up—with love and clarity—when it matters most.