There are certain moments in a child’s life that are marked by joy, anticipation, or tradition—birthdays, holidays, school performances, first days, and graduations. But after the death of someone they love, these milestones can feel different. Heavier. Lonely. Even confusing.

For children, the absence of a parent, grandparent, sibling, or close family member at one of these “special days” can quietly deepen their grief, even if it’s been weeks or months since the loss. Sometimes the moment feels off without them. Sometimes the excitement disappears altogether. And often, kids don’t know how to name what they’re feeling.

That’s why rituals, conversation, and intentional moments of connection matter so much during these times. We can’t bring the person back. But we can help children hold their memory with love, rather than silence.

One of the most healing things we can do is acknowledge the absence, instead of avoiding it. A child might be looking forward to their birthday while also missing the person who always baked their cake. Or they might feel guilty enjoying the holidays without their loved one there. When we speak the truth out loud—“This holiday feels different without Grandma,” or “It’s okay to be both happy and sad today”—we validate their grief. We remind them they’re not wrong for feeling conflicted.

Marking the moment with a gentle ritual can help children feel connected to the person who died, even in their physical absence. It might be something simple, like lighting a candle, wearing a favorite color, making a special recipe, or setting aside a few minutes to look at photos and share memories. Some families create new traditions in honor of the person, like writing them a note or releasing a balloon. Others include a memory table at celebrations, or carry a small object that belonged to their loved one. These gestures are not just symbolic—they’re soothing.

What matters most is that the child has space to remember, and permission to feel.

It’s also important to prepare children ahead of time for what to expect emotionally. They may not realize why they feel “off” during a celebration until someone gently names it. Letting them know, “It’s normal to miss them more on a day like this,” gives them the language and permission to grieve.

Stories can help bridge that emotional space when words feel hard. The Terrible, Super Sad Day was written to help children understand and talk about grief—including how it shows up on days when it seems like everyone else is celebrating. Through its characters and simple, honest language, the book opens up space for children to say, “This part feels like me.” It gives adults a starting point for deeper conversations, even around difficult milestones.

If a child doesn’t want to talk, that’s okay too. Some kids need time. Others express grief through play, drawing, or quiet rituals. As caregivers, we can hold space gently, letting them know their memories and feelings matter. There’s no single right way to mark a milestone—only what feels meaningful for your family, and for your child’s heart.

Life will bring many “firsts” without the person they loved. But with compassion, truth, and connection, children can learn that remembering is not about holding onto pain—it’s about holding onto love.

To support your child through these meaningful moments, consider getting your own copy of The Terrible, Super Sad Day. Whether it's a birthday or a holiday, it offers a tender, developmentally appropriate way to talk about grief, while reminding kids that it's okay to feel everything, even on the happiest of days.